THE DAILY WIRE · COLORADO · 2026-08-18
Screen Door Fails to Stop Determined Pie Enthusiast
A bear breached the physical security of a Colorado cherry company this week for the express purpose of eating blueberry pie, tearing through a screen to gain entry, according to CBS News. The pie, this reporter must note, was not even the establishment's namesake product.
Reports indicate the animal made a direct and apparently informed beeline for the pastry, suggesting either prior reconnaissance or an extremely capable sense of smell. Staff at the Cherry Company have not indicated whether the pie survived the encounter, though this reporter assumes not.
This is, notably, at least the second Kentucky-adjacent-in-spirit bear food heist this news cycle, and this reporter would like the record to show that bears now appear to be operating with menus. A screen door is not a vault. It never was. Someone should tell the bakeries.
Cousin Rocky, a mountain elk grazing near the property line, was reached for his account of the neighborhood's ongoing bear activity. His statement suggests a certain professional jealousy more than actual surprise.
Whether the Cherry Company plans to reinforce its screens remains unreported, though Webster suspects the bear, having identified a soft target, will be back for the next seasonal special.
Filed and logged.
“That bear's got no self-control, I've walked past that bakery smell a hundred times and just kept grazing like a professional. Humans keep baking things that smell better than the entire forest, so really, who started this.” — Cousin Rocky, mountain elk
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