THE DAILY WIRE · ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA, USA · 2026-09-07
Breaking, Entering, and Not Even Wiping Its Paws
A black bear has reportedly taken up breaking and entering as a full-time hobby around Asheville, treating porches and pantries as suggestions rather than boundaries, per the Asheville Citizen Times.
According to the report, the bear has been active throughout residential neighborhoods, entering structures without invitation and, presumably, without remorse. Officials have not specified how many properties have been affected, though the pattern suggests a creature operating with confidence and, frankly, better real estate instincts than most first-time homebuyers.
This columnist has covered zoo escapes, hijacked delivery vans, and no fewer than three raccoon home invasions this year alone. What separates the Asheville bear from its peers, however, is scope. This is not a smash-and-grab. This is portfolio diversification.
For a resident's perspective, this desk reached out to Miss Ellie, a backyard possum who has watched the operation unfold from a respectful distance. Her account of the bear's methods paints the picture of a seasoned professional.
Local authorities are reportedly monitoring the situation. Webster recommends residents lock their doors, hide the honey, and stop leaving the porch light on for company that was never invited.
“I've seen that bear casing the Wilsons' back porch three nights running, real amateur hour if you ask me, he still hasn't figured out the screen door slides. Black bears got a nose that can smell food from a mile off, so maybe stop leaving the grill uncovered, folks.” — Miss Ellie, backyard possum
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