THE DAILY WIRE · USA · 2026-09-08
Senior Elephant Briefly Tests Retirement Plans, Returns Voluntarily
A 52-year-old elephant proved Tuesday, or thereabouts, that age is no barrier to ambition, briefly slipping its zoo enclosure before being returned safely with no injuries reported. Officials have declined, per the original report, to elaborate further on the specifics, which this columnist respects as a reasonable amount of institutional discretion.
The animal's escape and swift, uneventful return is being treated by this desk as a rare good-news bulletin in the increasingly crowded genre of zoo escape journalism. No one was hurt. The elephant is home. The public may exhale.
Webster tracked down Big Darlene, a goose who happened to be loitering near the perimeter fence at the time, for her account of the incident as it unfolded.
Her recollection is, to put it generously, heavy on personal grievance and light on elephant-specific detail.
The full report has additional information on the enclosure and the elephant's condition, which this columnist encourages readers to consult rather than take Darlene's word for it. Spun and done.
“Fifty-two years old and still finding the exits — that's dedication, that's what that is. I've been trying to get out of that pond for six years and I have wings.” — Big Darlene, local goose
Open this column on the Daily Wire →
Zoos News — Real News. Real Animals. The stories are real; the columnist has eight eyes. Home · Wire archive