THE DAILY WIRE · OURAY, COLORADO, USA · 2026-10-01
Case Closed: Local Bear Declines to Leave a Tip, or a Statement
A bear entered an Ouray restaurant sometime this week, conducted what this reporter can only describe as a brief and unauthorized inspection of the premises, and departed without incident, injury, or apparent satisfaction. No reservation was made. No check was requested.
According to the report, the animal let itself in, moved through the space, and exited of its own accord before authorities or staff could intervene in any meaningful way. The restaurant has not disclosed what, if anything, was disturbed, which this reporter notes is either admirable discretion or a very short insurance claim.
This is, depending on how one counts, the seven-hundredth documented instance this calendar year of a bear treating a human structure as a drive-thru with worse structural integrity. The novelty, frankly, is wearing thin on everyone except the bear.
This reporter tracked down Gustav, a marmot who dens in the rocks above town and keeps what he insists is a reliable vantage point on local bear behavior. His account of events differs somewhat from the official record.
Ouray police have not announced plans to pursue charges, likely because the suspect cannot read a summons and has no fixed address beyond 'wherever the dumpsters are good.' The investigation, such as it was, appears closed.
Spun and done.
“I've seen that bear eat a whole picnic basket in under a minute, no manners whatsoever. Bears have a sense of smell seven times stronger than a bloodhound's, so really, that restaurant never stood a chance.” — Gustav, local marmot
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