THE DAILY WIRE · USA · 2026-10-09
A Turtle, Two Heads, and the Press Conference Neither of Them Agreed To
A baby turtle has hatched with two heads and, according to the people who've been watching it closely, two distinct personalities — which means this reporter is now covering a story with twice the sources and half the cooperation.
The animal was discovered by wildlife handlers who report the heads display separate temperaments, a detail that raises obvious procedural questions this column does not have the biology credentials to answer. The full report, linked on this site, has what few specifics exist; Webster has nothing further to add beyond professional concern for the turtle's future committee meetings.
Two-headed reptiles are not unheard of in nature, but 'distinct personalities' is a phrase usually reserved for roommates, not vertebrae. This outlet will be watching closely to see which head learns to drive first.
For eyewitness context, this reporter reached a local authority on turtle behavior, Myrtle Sue, a backyard box turtle known in her neighborhood for settling disputes by simply not moving. Her account of cohabitation, under far less complicated circumstances, differs sharply from what's being described here.
Whatever the arrangement, the turtle reportedly continues to thrive, which is more than can be said for most two-party systems. Spun and done.
“I've raised eleven clutches and I'm telling you right now, one head wants lettuce and the other wants to argue about it — that's not a birth defect, that's a marriage. Humans ought to leave the poor thing alone and let it figure out its own traffic laws.” — Myrtle Sue, backyard box turtle
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