THE DAILY WIRE · USA · 2026-10-25
A Year-End Accounting Of America's Offbeat Moments, Animal Unconfirmed
Patch has released its year-end accounting of 2025's finest offbeat moments, a 22-item inventory of American face-palms, and once again no single animal has been formally charged.
The facts on file: the list exists, it covers the full calendar year, and it claims all 22 entries made the editorial staff physically recoil. A species breakdown, as usual, was not provided in the release.
Webster has covered enough of these roundups to know the pattern. Somewhere in positions four through nineteen there is almost certainly a goose, a bear, or a man in Florida, and possibly all three at once. The absence of specifics is, frankly, an insult to the animals doing the actual work.
Wingman Dale, a bald eagle who monitors most of the lower 48 from a preferred thermal, offered a sworn statement on behalf of his species regarding the year's embarrassments. His take on who's really responsible follows.
Patch has not released the full list of 22 to this office for independent verification, so Webster is left, as always, to trust the eagle. Spun and done.
“I've watched every face-palm story since 1987 from four hundred feet up, and I can tell you it's never the eagles doing the embarrassing stuff — it's always geese, you're welcome for the diplomacy. Also, thermals are free, people should really use them more.” — Wingman Dale, bald eagle
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