THE DAILY WIRE · UTAH, USA · 2026-10-25
Salt Lake City Weekly Files Its Annual Report On Nothing In Particular
Salt Lake City Weekly published its 'News of the Weird' column this week, dated August 19, 2026, and in a stunning display of journalistic restraint, named not a single animal. Utah's prairie dogs are not buying the alibi.
The known facts are these: the column exists, it ran on schedule, and it is titled exactly what you'd expect. Beyond that, the paper has kept its cards remarkably close, listing no specific incidents, locations, or suspects in this edition.
This is, Webster would note, at least the sixth consecutive August in which a regional weird-news column has run without naming a single perpetrator, despite the state's prairie dog population living under a cloud of general suspicion since roughly the Clinton administration.
Professor Burrow, a prairie dog and longtime resident of the greater burrow system outside the city, agreed to go on record regarding the pattern. His account of where he was this week, and why it definitely wasn't him, follows.
Salt Lake City Weekly could not be reached to confirm or deny whether any rodents appear in this week's edition. Webster will file a follow-up the moment someone actually tells him what happened.
“Every single year around this time somebody's weird news column runs and somehow my cousins end up blamed for digging up a lawn. I personally haven't surfaced since March, and I have an alibi: I was underground with forty relatives discussing crop rotation, which is more civic engagement than most humans manage.” — Professor Burrow, prairie dog
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