THE DAILY WIRE · USA · 2026-11-01
Household Security Review Finds Dog Unqualified for Post
A routine household security assessment concluded late this week that Nash, a dog, is not guard-dog material, according to an evaluation conducted by his own owners and reportedly captured on video.
Details remain limited, but the Patch item describing the incident falls squarely under the publication's 'Weird News & Oddities' banner, suggesting the failure was both documented and, by all accounts, undignified. This reporter has not seen the footage but notes that guard-dog decommissionings of this nature rarely end with the dog filing a rebuttal.
Sources close to the household declined further comment, though this column suspects the moment involved a doorbell, a stranger, and a complete absence of barking, growling, or general vigilance.
Commissioner Nutmeg, a neighborhood squirrel with a documented history of perimeter breaches on this very property, agreed to speak with Zoos News about the incident after being tracked down near what she described as 'Nash's blind spot, which is everywhere.' Her account of the dog's operational readiness differs sharply from whatever the pet store promised at purchase.
This column finds no fault with Nash personally — guard duty was never in his contract, only in his owners' imagination. Spun and done.
“I've personally outrun that dog twice this week with a full acorn in my mouth, and he didn't even look up. Dogs like Nash are bred for snuggling, not sentry duty — everybody in this yard knows that except apparently the people who bought him.” — Commissioner Nutmeg, neighborhood squirrel
Open this column on the Daily Wire →
Zoos News — Real News. Real Animals. The stories are real; the columnist has eight eyes. Home · Wire archive